I Hate to Go
by only-some-loser
Summary: He couldn't do it. He couldn't say goodbye again. (ficlet tag to 3x01, Improvise)


**AN: I loved most of the premiere, but I hate James more than I hate Nikki, and anyone who knows me knows that I hate Nikki a lot. Over the summer, I wrote a tag for every single episode, and I'm going to try to continue that, but I'll be writing them after each one instead of waiting for the summer. This little ficlet is a missing scene from the premiere. The title is taken from the John Denver song Leaving On a Jet Plane. I hope you enjoy, and please leave a review!**

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Mac fiddled with the envelope in his hands. He was such a hypocrite. If it were someone else doing the same thing he was, he would accuse them of being a coward. Yet here he was, holding an envelope containing his goodbyes to his friends, his family. He couldn't do it again. He just couldn't. He and Jack had been dropped off at the air strip by exfil, but instead of going back to Phoenix with his best friend, he was going to catch a cab to the airport.

"I'm sorry, Jack," he said, already choked up. "I can't do it. You were right, about everything, back in Belarus, but I just can't do it. Not yet. I can't work with that man, I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head. Mac couldn't meet Jack's eyes. He knew they would be filled with disappointment, and rightfully so. Jack had every right to be disappointed in him. He was running away instead of facing his problems head on. He was a coward, and Jack had every right to hate him for it.

"Kid, it's okay," Jack replied, his hand coming up to rest on Mac's shoulder. "I can't say I'm happy to hear that, but I get it. I know you'll come back eventually, and I'll be waiting for you until you do," he said with a sad smile.

"Can you-" he broke off, struggling to get the words out. "Can you tell the others for me? I can't do it again. I can't say goodbye again. It hurt so much, and I just can't, I can't do it," he said, his eyes filling with tears at the thought of abandoning his family with only a letter to say goodbye. He was as much of a disappointment as his father was. Mac looked down, closing his eyes. He couldn't face Jack.

"Of course. It's okay, bud," Jack said, taking a step closer. "It's okay, come here." Jack set his bag down and pulled Mac into a tight hug. The blond melted into the touch. He buried his head in Jack's shoulder as his arms came to grip the back of the man's shirt. Mac couldn't stop the few tears that fell. He had missed this so, so much. He loved this man, his big brother, more than anything in the world, and it hurt so much that he couldn't stay.

"You could come with me," he muttered into the man's shoulder. "You could meet Nasha. You'd like her." Mac knew he should pull away, but he couldn't bring himself to. If he did, then it was real, and he wouldn't have Jack with him anymore. It would be just another thing that his father had ruined.

"There's nothin' I would love more, but I got debriefs I have to do, bud." Jack didn't lessen his grip either. "But I'll tell you what. As soon as all the debriefs are done and everything is settled, I'll come visit for a good long while. I promise, kid." He nodded against Jack's shoulder.

After another moment, Mac abruptly pulled away. If he didn't pull away now, he never would. He wiped at his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Thank you for everything, Jack," he said, finally making eye contact with his best friend again. "I-" he broke off again, unable to say it. It felt too much like a final goodbye, and it wasn't.

"Hey, you too, kid," the man replied, gently taking the envelope containing Mac's goodbyes from the blond's hand. Mac gave him a sad smile, then turned and walked away towards his waiting cab.

He couldn't look back. If he looked back, he would stay, and he would be miserable every day with his father. He just couldn't do it, not yet at least. Mac faltered in his steps for a moment as he walked. But wouldn't he be miserable every day without his family, now that he'd gotten a taste of how much he was truly missing them? It was a no-win scenario. Either way, he was disappointing others and living in misery.

Mac got in the cab and asked to be taken to LAX. The cabby gave him an odd look, probably because he had picked him up off the airstrip, but nodded and started driving. Mac closed his eyes again against the onslaught of emotions. Jack was right, everything would be okay. It would just take some time. And afterwards, he would come back to his friends, to his family. He just needed more time.


End file.
